A few things, I am happy to report, started this week. I couldn’t be more joyful! There’s supposed to be a secret dancing happening in my soul now, but I guess it’s a bit exhausted from the anxieties wrenched-out for the past weeks. However, bless! I survived! I am alive! And here’s a new beginning!
There’s something nice about new months, especially if it ends with a -Ber. There’s no autumn in this part of the world, but we can feel a change in season, most likely due to our unsung notion that -Ber months = Christmas Season. Yep, our favorite holiday is around, folks, in the happiest hundred-plus days.
Woke up to a September 1st with the pleasant feeling of newness–you know that it’s time for endings and beginnings, which comes with things to look forward to. In the past weeks, I’ve been dwelling with dismay and anxiety, but God never left my side nor ever made me feel lacking. I’m thankful for the people around me who is bearing with me through this silent journey. I’ve got to admit it, folks. I’m starting to feel like my soul is being pushed out of my decade old shell, figuratively and literally. Something’s changing and I think my insides are beginning to be bigger than my current body.
Writing this post on a Monday morning, and this is called cheating. But! But I was down with a bad headache yesterday, something which I initially blamed my nibbling of a medium-sized McDonald’s meal (which is a complete heresy for someone who’s watching her carbs + blood sugar). It, however, turns out to be induced by our prolonged stay over an irately hot place with little electricity plus stress. It was the sun, after all.
Have you ever had a trait you’re not meaning to keep but you’re not willing to talk about? I do. I did. I was found out yesterday and while I convinced myself before to be open to talk about it, I still feel a little, awkward. The cloud hung over my head for quite a while until I realized—it’s not about me. It’s nothing personal. This is the state God placed me in, and He sure has His own reasons, although He’s not always too giddy to share it soon, or at all.
Not exactly the best week, but I could say it was better. I felt better. Thought better. Because, really; when you expect the universe to come up with something for you and nothing’s happening, there’s no way you’d feel good. My days, therefore, are miracles.
Moral lesson: When the universe won’t conspire to bring something on the table, you make that something and bring it to the table yourself.
May you be warned that this post has a lot of indications of vanity, but really—what else in this blog isn’t?
It is beginning to be obvious to me that I can’t quite live up to my age. Until now, I am an 8-year old child trapped in a soon-to-be-30’s body. It’s fun; I am ironical. I pretty much look and feel like I’m aging backwards, and guessing my current score in the yearly timeline is such a nice game.
There are about 10, or more, years of my life which has been taken from me and it has only been recent that I felt alive and living. Somehow, I swept the grime, the despair, the dark of those ten years under the rug and memories float only vaguely. Those were the times I just existed and breathed and observed and felt remorse about my own existence.