Had a very meaningful talk this Sunday, and despite knowing that someone won’t be feeling comfortable about tackling this issue, I guess it’s about time touching the untouchable (not necessarily human) and let it be known that something’s amiss.

For every person, the one thing that drives our lives is purpose. A reason. The why. It’s like an anchor, giving our hearts more weight, more meaning. It pulls us, fills us and makes us feel alive. Purpose is lodged within our very soul.

When it comes to ministries, it’s an evident fact that our purpose is Christ, and service comes in second. I have always believed we are “filled first to fill others” because we don’t have an eternal stock of goodness in our human veins. Finding God in our ministries is the first requirement, it’s the one thing that shoves me into walking through the mud or braving my fears. It’s what lights my candle. If I don’t find God here, maybe I’m not meant to be here.

So what happens when, in a ministry, you feel something’s wrong and nobody’s talking about it? What if circumstances, people and emotions create a high wall that you can’t see nothing but the barricade?

I carried that frustration for almost two long years and it’s not been until recently that I showed “signs” of quitting. Well, I do not want to quit, I only want rest. I wanted to discard the things that frustrates me because keeping it all in for a long time is hard to bear. I also want to let them know that, people, when there’s something wrong, you don’t let things pass. You step up and then do things to correct it. Unfortunately, this isn’t happening. Probably won’t be, real soon.

But lately, God is opening my eyes to new things, giving this struggle a new meaning. First off, ministry is not play. It is work. It is sacrifice. It is the giving of yourself, to the point that sometimes, it hurts and you wonder if it’s all worth it. In effect, it’s supposed to be inconvenient.

It is, somehow, a narrow road.

The Chaos Of Complaining: Cause and Effect

As humans, we tend to complain about the needles poking up on our road. I know, we have the freedom to complain; we’ve got our rights. But I just realize that complaining is not a result: it’s a bad habit and it causes us to be blind. This is toxic and it takes away our joy. When our joy is snatched, we easily get burned out.

God wants us to be joyful in serving Him. The truth is, we cannot serve with that kind of joy. But being “joyful in service” doesn’t always mean it’s “pleasurable”. God did not write that in His disclaimer. Joy is the acknowledgement that God is working on the bigger whole. Joy is a heavy dosage of faith and hope and love.

I lost that joy in the middle of my service. And that person/circumstance/inner struggle became a stumbling block for me.

In order to regain what I lost, I did what I have always done. Stop, go back, and find it again.

God Allows Breaks But Not Sleep

And I’m finding it. I’m finding my joy, smack-dab in the heart of this struggle. That issue is still not tackled, many of us are suffering from this concrete-cold of a spiritual blanket, but I found my self free.

Freedom is the start of finding that joy back.

When I realized I am not bound to anything, any man, any expectations, only to the wide umbrella of God’s love and forgiveness, I sensed the flicker of joy dancing in my heart. What do I care about them? What do I care about leaders being passive and non-responsible? Life is not about me and them. It’s about me and my God.

Slowly, God opened my eyes to somehow understand what other people are going through; why they are so, and how they need help and prayers to get through.

In this situation, I found myself a bit stronger, a bit wiser and a tad more confident that I have some serious back-up replenishing what I lack. All it takes is for me to go back, allow Him to find me again, and continue walking.

I can’t stop. I won’t. If I quit, God’s amazing, spewing love and grace through me will stop too. He’ll be really sad at that. If I fail to hear His instructions, I miss out on His extravagant miracles: something which I don’t want to happen. I don’t want Him to stop shining through me.

The race is calling me, I need to run back in line. As an improved version of my old self.