“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
— Jeremiah 29:11
Last night was one of those Eureka! moments for me, especially when I unconsciously scrawled this doodle on my notebook. It has been more than a month of irregular assignments; God has not let me down (or broke) so far, but for someone who just got a momentum of what she wanted in life and nothing’s literally happening, this spells a crash. I tried to keep my hope afloat the pensive, dismal truth (which is lack of good, purpose-ful work), but I knew deep down in my heart, I have peace. I’m on the right track. That this is just the weight of the waiting, and it’s always the hardest part in a journey.
I would like to share these words with you, because if ever you feel like you’re stuck in a wall, you’re not alone.
When I got back from Holland, I was brimming with so much fire and inspiration. I feel I can do everything. I feel I must do everything. Two reasons: 1.) I am running out of time and 2.) I want to make up for the lost moments when I should have been up on my feet and truly live life.
That is my goal: to be alive. To feel alive. To have the wind dance in my hair, the sunlight to kiss my cheeks, my heart to pound with so many emotions. I want to learn life as if discovering how to drive. I’m just so excited.
But unfortunately, no new opportunity comes for me to do so.
The truth is, there are changes. I just become convinced that freelance is the way for me (office jobs, despite company, are a hassle and I don’t like working around with people a lot). We’re also going to a new church where the kids are a total blank slate when it comes to the Bible, and this is such an awesome experience for me: a mission ministry. I also started working on my manuscript and poetry and I plan on submitting them once the right chance comes along. It’s a fact that waiting is a part of freelance life, and I just looked at the world with gray-colored spectacles.
Here’s a warning: you’ll never know when you’re actually wearing that pair of glasses. Sometimes, you put them on unconsciously, until your entire self is clouded in ash and cobwebs. Sometimes, you wear them out of envy, seeing everyone else transform into something, and here you are, still stuck.
Lack of hope, the impossibility of possibilities, the absence of things to stimulate feelings: all these make one feel depressed. And I did, perhaps, but this is not unconquerable. This is not forever. The tide will turn, maybe not on the time I wanted it to.
The tide turned for me last night. Not a big, tsunami-like surge; but a slowly, steady rising of the heart. It’s when I relinquished every inch of my plans for myself; the plans which I put on top as a priority, not God. Those goals became my driving force to prove my worth. And then I realize I have no worth in reality.
I actually wrote this in my journal, like a stamp or a milestone. It was very liberating.
“So what if I don’t get what my heart longs for? So what if I go behind the scenes all my life? So what if things didn’t go my way? What if all I got is all I am supposed to be? It doesn’t matter. As long as my life goes Your way, Dad. For through it, I will serve Your purpose.”
And then I ended it with:
Lord, help me not to covet Your plans for another. Help me to believe in Your plans for me.
It was probably one of the most poignant prayers I have prayed.
God has a plan for me. He has it figured out since the beginning. The thing is, I tend to rewrite my life as if I have the power to do so. Last night, it was my soul talking: “Well, sweetheart, that’s not the way.” I was given new directions. New peace. New perspectives. The things I regard as big deals are probably insignificant to that plan. I was not aligned to God’s heart, to God’s will, and this is what makes me struggle.
So last night, I told Him to bring my heart back to where He last found me, and I’m going to walk with Him again. Never mind the wait. He is the goal.
God has a plan for all of us. Great, wondrous plans. Plans to turn our lives around, plans to make us into persons we never thought we are. Plans to bring out some magic hidden in our hearts. Plans to make us miracles.
I believe in that plan. Moreso, I believe in the One who makes those plans. It may take time, but He’s working behind the scenes at the times we consider delays. He’s not stopping. His brilliant penmanship in our stories will shine, because more than anything else, His Name will be lifted high.
Trust that plan. He’s never going to fail you. Not ever.