Sunday, 10:00 AM. I am not supposed to be here, writing, but hallelujah, I am, and for the first time in forever, I finally have my Sunday at home. The circumstances that brought me here is nothing to be glad about, however; there’s a large, looming typhoon wrecking the rest of the northern and central upper island of the Philippines. A menacing threat to those unprotected by large walls and paved roads.
I am writing my Weekend Closing now because, this is just a hunch—that if the storm pushes through with this massive strength, we might not have electricity tonight. Or maybe not. Well, in any case, I’m freeing my mind from any responsibilities and just, um, because I can.
If there’s one thing I learned from this week, it’s the knowledge that I need some time to rest from myself. I am my biggest distraction. There’s that voice inside my head, screaming my wants, giving birth to my anxieties. This week, I just prayed to God to help me shut up that blabbermouth and give me peace from my own demands.
I know I’m still getting my ‘wishlist’ next year, not due to circumstances, but because of intent. I intend to move. I intend to find a good publishing role. I intend to have a family (this one, um, with the Lord’s push) and I intend to live this life in the way my Tatay and I will be joyful. Intention is the key. We’re not just going to be push-overed by the Universe. We need to draw some lines, do some actions, break some comfort zones.
Somehow, I am beginning to fear, financially-wise, about my next undertaking, but heck. Abraham went to a place he had no idea of. He was just told to go. And that’s my cue. To go. To move.
Another thing I learned this week: don’t rush. After seeing my finances grow from nothing to something, I became so obsessed in watching the numbers rise. Of course, I can only do so much, week after week, with what opportunity gives me. But that inner voice is always fretting whenever the idea of not reaching a threshold pops in. It’s like my boss, an invisible workhorse, pushing me to do something. Which is good. But not all the time, especially when assignments are unavailable.
This is when I am reminded not to hurry. I’m only a few months in. And from what I’ve seen, the daily load isn’t as consistent as I have hoped for. Breaking my mindset is surely painful, but wading through the reality of life has improved my outlook. Now I can handle waves of all types, highs and lows. I should not demand much of myself, more than I can give.
My other personality must be a Choleric (I am a Melancholic-Phlegmatic).
Tackling our inner voices is one of the most trying things to do ever, in our entire existence. There’s always that nudge, that push, that dread. Yes, in reality, it’s named Fear. And I’m not good friends with that.
Maturing has allowed me to discover these inner boo-boos and to find the right type of balm to assuage these reddening dents. Getting here was such a slow process, but I am happy to have gone through all that in this way. I wasn’t exposed to the world at once (credits to my being an introvert), but that doesn’t make me weak. It’s like God is secretly making me ready, detoxifying my soul and arming me with the right arsenals before He lets me out of the door once more.
I’m ready, Tatay. I’m ready to be out of this door. On Your cue.
The Weekend Closing: Celebrating the doors we need to close to get to the ones we need to open.