Stepping over the heads of my inner demons—the struggle is real, but totally worth it. And right now, it’s like I am capable of running a-woosh, with the soles of my feet hitting their heads. I don’t like you, but thank you very much; I have become a stronger person, flaws and all.
Last week was a total low, but I’m cool with it, because it wasn’t my lowest. I know what my lowests are all about. It was when my grandmother died and we can’t go home for her funeral. It was when people I considered precious snapped back at me with hatred. It was when I was alone, disliked and misunderstood especially by myself. It is not now. Now is an easily-conquerable kind of low. And I’m happy for being submerged into lower depths to enjoy the view in greater heights.
Praise God for the things He allowed me to go through, because I wouldn’t be transformed, from the inside out, from a worm to something else with stronger legs.
This Sunday is still a non-NV9 Sunday, because the whole place is still flooded with murky waters and mud. Heck no, it’s not that I don’t like looking and smelling spoiled; it’s like everyone is not settled in their homes and everything feels uncomfortable for them, so my parents said I’m home-church bound today. Which is cool, because today is the final Sunday before we jet-set off to November, aka Atlag UMC’s anniversary month. I had some chores to settle with Wina (I love you, please keep doing what you’re doing) and ate May. Konting kembot na lang! This is it! In a span of two months, my volunteer work as a Worship Coordi for my home church is done.
And then, what’s next? Here I shrug, but I’ve got one word to answer with confidence: Exodus.
This means a step closer to my Promised Land. And promised everything elses!
2 months. 2 months and then everything is like a blank space. No more bounds. Not taking any appointments. For a while, I am going to be “selfish.” I want my 30th, and the preceding years, to be my walk with God, without anyone telling me what to do or where to be. It’s going to be a messy, rumble jumble of decisions and wanderings, but that’s fine. That’s what Exodus is all about. To not know where I am going, but still have the bravado to move forward. After all, there’s no place in this world where God’s love won’t reach me!
Freaking excited here.
And the best part? I will hold up till the last minute of my assigned work, because all I want God to say is, “Well done, child.” No, not because I was excellent; I was terribly frustrated at the whole and has battled with burn-outs for a number of times during my time. Not because I was brilliant, because for sure, we had lovely moments, but I know many in my team felt that I was a huge let down in many instances, more than my fingers could count. If there was one reason God will be smiling at me, it’s because I will finish the race. It’s because I’ll hit that ribbon, bedraggled, hazed and frankly, a bit unsatisfied at my own run, yet proud at hitting the final mark.
I guess that’s what life is all about. It’s not about being perfect. Not about being always there. Not about being the best person for the position. It’s about being committed till the end of your journey, not giving up until your final breath. The truth is, some struggles open us with wide, welcoming arms, but they’re not our enemies. They’re made to change us, transform us, in a morbid process that’s terribly painful. But the result will always be amazing. God is always good.
Always. And this, means to the infinity and beyond!
The Weekend Closing: Celebrating the doors we need to close to get to the ones we need to open.