Believe me. I tried. I did push myself into writing a sanely-comprehensible piece, but I failed. One, expletives are my thing, currently, as dynamite-ish as my feelings. So much angst. I love it. Glass cracks put things into new perspectives. How you become stronger. How you become someone else. I don’t like it and frankly, I’d rather avoid it if I can, but it came, unwelcomed and it barged into my door, so what else can I do? I can’t kick misfortune out as soon as it enters. That would be rude.
It has to boil and be brewed. It has to scathe. And out comes a thicker sort of skin, shining like metal, glowing like gold. The gold part is what I’m looking after. I’m anticipating for that gold part in me.
On the other hand, yay! You know, I’m currently writing my former piece of crap-story, and what to say, it’s still crappy, but it’s being written! After years of fickling and tickling ideas of various characters, I’m stopping this haunting game and I will put this into print. I need to tell that ‘Rouen’s Diary’ ghost to finally shut up and make me sleep. Matt is there and he’s going to end up with her.
Of course, the new version includes character changes. A lot! My old Arashi inspo was gone, and Rouen is not exactly Rouen, but Audrey. Just because I currently love that name. Sticking with it while it lasts, because inspiration expires. Sad fact.
I’ve said this before, but 2016, you’re on a freaking roll. And don’t you dare light up and feel proud of yourself, you culprit! It’s just January and you’ve brought us a bunch of heartbreaks already. But wasn’t I praying for one (about dear someone-no one-not coming yet)? Yep. Masochist.
One person said that Christians should look and feel and sound perfect. I’d like to put that baggage down because, no matter how much I’d like to stop myself from spitting out fire (sometimes), I do. I cannot lie. I cannot be under pretense. I am not holy. All I can see is the blackness in me and the whiteness in God. That’s what helped me conquer the depression. I’m not, ever, ever, gonna be perfect. But I will be spending my lifetime on a mission to love well and be a light, with all of my heart. Take all of me, my sins and my bruises, my scars and the rawness of my heart. Take that or none at all. Thank God He does. Every time.
Speaking of my heart, ah. My heart is touched, clutched into warm palms of goodness and kindness and joy. That outside the door of this room are people in need of that kind of light. If there’s one thing I prayed to God, honestly, it’s for Him to kick me out of this room and give me a place in His kingdom. I want to work. I want to deliver. I want to be out there, joining people in their own crusades for Christ and His kingdom. For hungry children. For forgotten elders. For youths without hope.
Like Prophet Jeremiah, I sing complaints. Of why I should always be under someone’s umbrella. Why I should always be another’s tail. I want to be my own body; you know, the word is independence. The words are You and me and no one in between. That.
Where I am right now is a perfect ground for being used. I write for a living. And I live. And I have spare time. And spare attention. And spare hands to hug and to pat a shoulder. I want to fill a heart, in a place where God called me, just me, not my dad or my church. Call me selfish, but I am selfish with God’s intimacy; I want Him to also use me.
As for now, my prayers are up there, in His queue. But I know He listens. I know He’s got a plan for me. He’s got something good, so I’m just gonna stay right here and wait till He pulls my hand and place me into my own Jericho to break walls. Or a Canaan to nourish.
Sorry, my dear confidantes (yes, you Pastora Revi, and Josh). I’m venting out my creative steam and I’m opening as many doors until I discover where my patch of ground is. Bear with me. I, also, need a bigger creative team, but that’s just my plan.
I’m sorry for my rougish spewing. I am sorry for my delinquency. You see, I am wayward and wandering, but God is always finding me. Always. Like right here. Right now.
Shucks, tapang ko ha! Medyo kinabahan tuloy ako sa sinabi ko.