Today, I walked out of a vape store to buy a pastry. Two minutes earlier, my mom and I pushed through the sliding door beside the pastry poster, only to be embraced by a thick, perfume-y smell. She said it was an automotive-parts store. When I looked at the counter, I saw little packets in different colors, and a full row of e-cigarettes. Not minding the albeit awkward situation, we bought our sweets, safely lined inside the refrigerator, and said goodbye to the kind, blonde lady who assisted us.
Today, I skipped lunch and chose sleep. Sleep has been a good friend these days. There’s something unusual about January that makes me feel both excited and tired at the same time. The air is cool and crisp; the sky mostly cloudy, and there’s this gray fog hanging over my head for the past few days, slowly reminding me that this momentous month is nearing its end.
Today is January’s end.
I am sat at my desk, trying to write my feelings as emotionally as possible, but my dog, who is loudly chomping some of its toys outside, is ridiculously disturbing my dramatic pretense. And so, I write this with less of the theatrics. I don’t need it. I got what I wanted and I’m running away with it.
If there’s one season that I wouldn’t want to end just yet, it’s this season. I cannot describe how much of a breath of fresh air this month is; there’s so much anticipation, so much gurgling of feelings, so much fangirling, and I for one am hesitant to stop, because these emotions are like drugs, keeping me on a high. There’s this sense of accomplishment, a touching base of a new transformation. In just a few weeks I was morphed into a dull, boring, cranky old lady into someone young and vibrant and entirely happy with her life.
Happy with her life. Finally, I can give it a nod.
On our way to church was a silent whispering of a revelation. It’s all about the tale of the talents, one of Jesus’ most famous parables wherein one is given ten thousand, another a three, and the last, a thousand. I have always thought it was unfair; one who was given much will surely increase manifold. Why couldn’t have God given them equal shares? It could have been much better. However, something directs me to the fact that it’s not about the number of talents. It’s what you do with your talents.
Let me take this literally. Talents. We’ve all got plenty. We’ve all tapped into that part of ourselves which we could thrive with passion. We have so many likes. So many capabilities.
What are we doing with them?
What am I doing with them?
That hit me hard like a wrecking ball. I mean, I’m not a perfect, all-arounder, but I definitely can handle creative direction, leadership, writing, music and arts. We all have a plethora of talents. And I, it seems, like that last man, am not using these gifts with my very best.
Not until now.
Maybe today is an eye-opener. Maybe today is meant to be the day when I haul all of my inner possessions and tell God, “I’m not going to hide these under a rock, Big Guy. I’m going to let the world know who I am. I’m going to let the world know Who You Are.” Maybe, after all I’ve been through, it’s time for me not to only watch out for doors to knock into, but to make those doors for myself. And, maybe, if I get enough klout, I can open a way for others too.
Such a dream.
And so, today, I look back to January with a bit of tears in my eyes (no not really) and a lot of pride and hope in my heart. It’s been an amazing, amazing 31 days—I made new friends, re-connected with the old ones, made better decisions, became braver (while making bad decisions), standing firm for myself, gain better confidence, and an improved version of a little drop of sunshine I thought I was back then. My fears, I hope, to pave them from being mountains to leveled roads, and while I continuously battle and invisible shift, an internal terror, I will not let them take over my guts and tell me I can do nothing. I. Can. Freaking. Do. Everything.
I want this so bad.
And, perhaps, even in this late of an age, I still have a chance to be called a “Good and Faithful Servant” with a big smile on my Heavenly Father’s face.