It was a week of many feelings, like layers of sweet and bitter things topped over one another, but you can’t take all the bad things out because all you can do is to make one scoop and to let it all roll on your tongue. Some half-nice, half-miserable thoughts pervaded my head whenever I go vacant, and they lurk there like people hanging out at Starbucks, drinking frap, looking smug. Not cool. It was a week of new adjustments. Of new goals. Of new mindsets and even new recipes because I’m running out of things to eat.

My dad, my mom and I were the morning troopers, driving through the middle of the storm to get to the mission site during the hard rain. We were like, 10 people there. It wasn’t so bad. We could have started even by ourselves when mom began playing worship instrumentals. When a couple of kids arrived, they joined the chorus despite not knowing the words. Music is such a lovely language.

You know, I must tell you what NV9 looks like. It’s a small shack, an unmade home for the relocated people from the railways. Our makeshift church is made out of hallow blocks for walls and galvanized iron sheets for roofing. Across it is a farm turned to fishing pond when it rains. The concrete floor turns muddy when it rains. And there are bugs everywhere. They crawl from the hallow block halls and have flourished underneath the lace white curtains at the altar. I could see them. To sum it up in one word: disgusting.

But not to those who stayed there. To them, it was their haven. It was the place where God reconnected with them, and it was the place they gave their best care and attention. If I must point out, maybe all of the houses in NV9 had bugs and holes and cheap roofs in them. But this shack, we made a wooden fence and a tent and an altar and a beautiful cross in the middle. We have a pulpit. It’s not as grand and lovely as our former church, but this one gets the same respect and love from those who come to it. It is holy ground.

There are many things I’ve learned this week, but today is the most prominent: never leave your windows open when it’s raining hard. Common sense.

As I scrolled Facebook while lying on my damp bed (see reason above), I saw a few surprises that made my heart skip. First, Ate Sally, a lovely spinster who has done her best to serve her sister, her sister’s family, and her brother, has finally found her love life and is now in New Zealand. I MEAN THIS IS WHOA. I mean, everyone thought her chance at love was impossible and here comes this! Such a blessing for a woman who has given her life for others; now it’s time to focus on her own family. It may have come late, but it comes. It comes true.

I shared this to my parents and joked about me getting my love life at that age too—which, by all means, God, don’t take this seriously—and they just smiled. There’s a time for everything, and for everyone. And we are all happy for Ate Sally, because we saw how much she sacrificed a lot. I’m happy for Miko, who just landed in NY, the city of her dreams, and I’m just happy that many of the people I know are just lit and doing new things.

Except me.

I’m still here. Still the same person. Still carrying the same thing.

Last night, I tweeted this and I didn’t know it will gain much love:

There has been a hole of discontent in my heart for a while. Discontent that I was not doing the most excellent. That I’m not using my time and my mind and flesh and bones in the utmost best I can. And I told God to push me and propel me so I can be better. To be kicked out of this literal cocoon. To go out there, where I am supposed to be, and to shine His radiant light. I don’t know where. It probably doesn’t matter, as long as I can write.

And seeing these people doing amazing things just made wish that more. I mean, it’s been 30 years. I’m not moving forward. I don’t have the bone to. That’s what I’m asking. Some bone and muscle and wisdom. And then He answered.

He will not forget you

He will not forget me. Among the billions of people He plans to bless, He will not leave out my name. I will have my blessing. I will have my propelling. And right now, where I am, what I am doing, this is where I’m supposed to be. Nothing is wrong. I just need to keep on, doing amazing things in small portions, and not mind the greatness and fame and all the other frills. After all, it adds up. And someday, when God tells it’s ready, He’s going to send that bundle my way.

And I’ll receive it with a full and grateful heart.

Thank You, God, for the now 💖