Wow. I’m finally here: my hundredth Weekend Closing. I am sure to write a hundred more as long as this blog exists, and somehow, in the next hundred, I wish that I am in a different place from where I am now. Not exactly literal, by the way. For today, I’ll be writing by bits, and some of them might not make sense, but do tag along; I’m sure you’ll find gold here. I know I did.
I have made emotionally-transforming decisions this week:
- Read messages as soon as you see them
- Respond as soon as you can
- The things that matter will take a longer journey
The third one, I can attest in my brother’s professional journey, after having waited for the entire year for a miracle to happen. The miracle is that he was changed from the inside out, and started doing things he never would have done before. Just this week, he went on a highly important seminar which might change the course of his work. I was so proud when he came this Saturday, big bags and all, for the beginning of the year was a struggle for him, but he kept on, and is now starting to reap his harvest.
Currently, I am on the sowing part; the beginning, the time when you work under the sun with seeds in your hands and praying that they will grow abundantly as you scatter them into the muddy ground. The muddy ground I have sown into is the international world of publishing, a not-so-easy feat for a Person of Color with English known as not-her-first-language. This week, I just experienced my first reject after a full. It stung, but I was ready for it. I knew that this manuscript mattered to me after putting my heart and soul into it. It was not some made-up piece I just sent out just because there was an opportunity. This time, it was intentional.
Intentional, by the way is my new favorite word.
On the other hand, I queried again. I will do that over and over again until I find the agent that’s like a soulmate. Someone who’d believe in this crazy little story and would help me get it out into the world so I can invite them in mine. I was praying for a shortcut, but I know God has other plans, and His road has always been narrow, tricky, long but worth it.
I have decided to overcome mountains and treat myself with cake
There’s no cake yet, but that’s because I have yet to see whether I have ambled down the steep slope of the other side of the peak. I’m excited. My eyes are wide open. I’m listening closely and I’m carrying that Habbakkuk girl identity I have always took pride in. I will act on these visions. I will keep doors open.
Meanwhile, today, my kids have been awfully nice. I was late. The bus didn’t come soon. When I got to the church, my students were in the office, laughing and waiting for me. We didn’t get to practice, but I think they smashed the song. And, oh, I finally knew their names! Iya, Mhico, Evo, Mahal, Ian, Nadine, Denise. I don’t have to guess.
I watched my dad walk out of my former school after checking on the boys who’d be joining the district basketball tryouts. It was evident; he was older, fatter, but more alive. I just whispered to myself, “A man whose life was well lived.” He has done everything wholeheartedly: a son, a brother, an employee, a father, and now a pastor. I am just so, so proud to just be part of the family he had made.
And my mom, who plated individual servings of pancit + fried chicken for the four of us tonight; who, even if we’re not kids anymore, has always made us feel like her babies; who protected us and believed in us, who has always been our confidante, and who considered us special (“my son looks better than any KPop guy”, “my daughter’s writing work is special”). Yes, this selfish bitch is crying.
There’s dirt in my hands, I am bent in the earth, but this love covers me like a jacket and warms my heart when the world is cold. The world IS cold. But I have this amazing light, a support system that filled me to the brim, and I will keep on until I get to my days of harvest. No matter how long the journey.