I don’t know, I don’t know. That’s what it felt like every time I breathe. I received my third manuscript “Pass” in the most delightful email. It’s supposed to sting me, but it didn’t. It solidified my decision. It made me think twice about my MS’ true intent, and my next queries will be directed to people who are open to my target market.

I don’t know, I don’t know. Due to my overthinking-ness, I edited my MS, it sounded better, sent to new agents, then edited some more. I will never stop editing, probably, until someone says, “This is crazy as heck, I’ll represent you.” It must take long. I don’t care. This is my race.

I don’t know, I don’t know. I made a few blunders. I fell short and sad in the middle of the week because of who-knows-what. But the things I bought have been received, I have a Christmas list to tick, and there’s a new bag sitting in my cabinet even though all I really used was the same purple leather backpack my aunt gave me. I am a creature of habit.

I don’t know, I don’t know. This morning, we watched Coraline. My brother slept early last night and missed dinner, but luckily caught up on sleep. He ate breakfast at home as he finished halfway into the movie. We were late. Almost. The  pensive lola in the jeep said, “Salamat, bebe,” when I handed her a random, “Please God, may this bless her and remind her that there’s a God looking out for her” gift. Had a comfortable bus ride. The kids sang awesomely in the choir and we all had fun in our Sunday School. I finally called Mhico and Iya by their names.

I don’t know, I don’t know. Going back to Atlag, we rode a bus that cramped itself full and we were standing all throughout the ride. I asked my brother to treat me a frap. MY CHRISTMAS IS COMPLETE, I DRANK A PEPPERMINT MOCHA VARIANT. My joys are small.

I don’t know, I don’t know. Ate Rica greeted me “Chrissy.” Ate Ste was going to present a save-the-river project but look, the baranggay captains ditched them. We drank their calamansi-cucumber tea. Never been prouder of my creative team because all of them have matured, and our small project has now blossomed into something beautiful. New visions. I am excited. God, give us directions.

I don’t know, I don’t know. A new week is slowly peeking its head and before I know it, it’s back to work Monday. Maybe I’d get heartbroken over something. Maybe I’ll get some victories. I don’t know.

I do know a few things: that every morning, God wakes me up with grace and forgiveness anew. That I could change the circumstances by being more compassionate. That it’s not all about what I see. That I want cake.

I want cake. I’m getting that this week. Toodles. x

PS: A funny thing happened today. NONE of my teen girls at SIUMC actually know I was 30 and flipped out when I told them. YES AND I HANDLED THAT SO WELL, I am such a boss. 30 is Queenship, my dears. 30 and beyond.