As of this moment, a few minutes past six, the sky is painted with lovely dabs of clouds like soft feathers. Chiba is sitting by the dust-filled garage. The state of the household includes grime from the sacks of sand and cement, and a new toilet bowl sitting by the porch. Outside, there’s a newly constructed room that is the employee’s restroom. This house has been undergoing minor works since 2016 — first, repaint, second (in 2017), the covered backyard and third, this. Our home has changed from what it was since 25+ years ago, but change means growth; by these tiny reconstructions, the house slowly accommodates the bigger dreams we have.
When have I been a plant person? I don’t know. My mother loved plants and filled her patio with a nursery of greens. I posted some on Instagram (@hellocaris):
The dreadful thing about having written a “book” and querying about is it that you’re at the edge of your seat and you wouldn’t write anything else, at least for a time. Fortunately, I’m almost past that stage. I’m in the “accepting my reality” level and now, the quiet parts of my brain are suggesting for a new opening for FIFTH THE FIRST; the story starts off in his voice but to know that, you need to read the first book, IF if gets published. I’m sure it will. I’m not after the thought of being a lighthouse anymore. I’ve crumpled that sheet of paper and put it in my pocket. In Exodus 16, where God provided manna for the wandering Israelites, even those who took less had enough. I’m just looking for what’s enough.
Right now, I am looking for opportunities where to send my poems. I owe those words a chance to be read, to be heard, after being made. I hope someone out there connects with my feelings. I make sure those feelings are often light. And on-fire. There’s six extra tabs opened on my browser so I can submit after hitting PUBLISH.
Things I hate: the feeling of not being enough whenever I’m about to submit a query. Always, the luminous thought of sharing my words out there is diminished by the joy-sucking shadow that I’m sub-par, which may be true, but I wish to just bravely disseminate those words unapologetically like grabbing fate by the balls.
Things I like: my words give me courage every time I read, and then, edit them. The truth is still there.
I started listening to ARASHI again. Feels like a homecoming.
Today, me and my brother made good use of our combined remaining money to get home + eat well + buy ice cream. There’s a Php20 in my wallet, the remnant of God’s assuring grace that we’ll be provided for, plus some extras.