In life, there are so many things to measure. It doesn’t require calculators to know what makes things better. You look into things; the thickness or the thinness of the skin, the yeses and nos, the rights and the wrongs. You consider them altogether and form something similar to an algebraic formula. Add and subtract, divide and multiply, and then you come up with a solution. A better way out. A more feasible option. You may not love numbers, but if you’re a human, you’re always calculating. Sometimes, situations. Sometimes, people.

I know, I do. Life math is important. By taking in breaths, we gather pertinent data to assess circumstances. We chart better ideals. Palpable options. Become transformed individuals. Unfortunately, I, being the millennial (and idealist) that I am, thrived with a motto: “let’s get this shit done logically. And please, ASAP.”

That same motto has always put me in danger. Remember my manuscript? Yes, I’ve worked it out. Yes, I’ve edited it numerous times. And no, it wasn’t ripe. And I didn’t know it. All I know was Getting Things Out There. My best way of learning is through mistakes, but the bad side is that chances were wrongly spent.

And I do spend. A lot. Literally and figuratively.

My recent chances were used to spark new fires. Those new fires never saw the blaze of the sun. Those things never got done, because, well, circumstances, and my very own negligence. The end result? Ditching. I apologize to those whom I dragged into this. I will forever be marked with this shame groaning in the pit of my stomach.

This is why I’m very, very, veeeery careful to start things, especially when it requires the involvement of other people. WIPs are easy; I could make them and throw them in the back burner if I tire of them. I could bring them to life when I am ready. But when it comes to groups? Nope. It’s not just about my readiness. It’s about, “Hey, you promised us this shit, and when are we going to do it?”

But I’m not turning back. Not this time. I’ve turned my back on so many things to turn back on this. The only thing I’m adding in the formula is my very own patience. To be fully immersed. To soak into this newness so that we can all walk towards the same path. I’ve done so many mistakes in the past not to know my blind spots. And surprisingly, I’m not going to give up on this project.

This project, by the way, is more of a spiritual growth kind. No one should ever give up on that.

I left SIUMC this afternoon after a long lunch-talk with my parents and voicing out a disdain for a half-committed culture. God’s kingdom does not deserve a percentage of us. He wants the WHOLE damn thing. Our Share Your Faith did not start very well; there were too self-confidence and less prayers. A quick dive without meditation on its importance. But SIUMC is like a clean slate; everything feels like experimental. I just pray that we reap shining greens from this.

From the gate, I watched how ate Sheba, all by herself, would conduct a new program for the kids. It’s not easy to create activities without support; so much more without the church’s enthusiasm. Right now, it’s on you. You want a program? Do it yourself. But I am looking forward to the day when everyone will see a vision and will walk towards it with brimming joy in their hearts. I look forward to leaders and fire-makers, to worshippers and volunteers who would gladly give their time and selves for the work for the Lord.

My project now is for the church not to feel they’re alone.

I know, I’m used to loneliness. I actually loved it. But I’m needed in the field, and I guess it’s time to close the books on weekends and give it to the One who deserves a bigger chunk of my headspace. x