I don’t mean to stir your envy, but I have been getting pleasant sleep this week, and I think I know why. Three words: nostalgic brain click.
Doesn’t make sense? How about this: when was the last time you accessed that part of your head when you had your felt epiphanies and feelings? You know, back when you were young and stupid and started to dream dreams, foolishly not knowing that making them come true is nothing less than a torture? That time when you were free to believe you can be anything that you want and then you grow up to discover you can’t be anything you want because the world is a snob and they don’t want you in their table?
I’m joking. I love runny sentences but not runny noses.
This is just my theory. I’m not a brain expert. But I can tell you, my brain has been refreshed. And I bet you’d scoff but dang,
You need to believe in the power of your childhood.
Now, let’s not get sentimental! It’s My Week in Tweets! After a long time! I finally blogged! But let me tell you, nostalgia is REAL.
Hello, early-twenties me. I can feel you today. I remember you and I thank God for you.— Caris (@hellocaris) March 11, 2019
I’m going to be talking about nostalgia because this MS I’ve been working on, a.k.a.
Magtatahi tapos magtatastas— Caris (@hellocaris) March 11, 2019
…is made from memories. Nostalgia. I guess it’s the big book I WANTED to close, not because it was bad or what, but just because if not, I won’t be able to move forward. Like a step above the stairs. Like a door I need to open before I get to the next. A finish line. And I’m in the pursuit of that, although, at all times, I keep worrying about how I’ll be received. Or if I’d be received.
I’ve had doubts and bouts about my writing; I know I’m not the best, or even good, just probably so-so, which is why it’s taking me a long time to weave a silly tale and make it seem like, well, it’s working. So, yesterday, I re-read the first short story I have ever typed (most of the stories were stuck in my head so I can replay them over and over again and get to the parts I like without starting from the beginning). Know what it felt?
It felt freaking good. This is a sci-fi, they-all-die-in-the-end story I wrote back, um, in 2007? YES IT’S THAT OLD AND I AM THAT OLD.
Old enough to rewatch Gundam Seed and catch up with the unwatched movies of Cardcaptor Sakura. Do. Not. Judge. Me.
But I also listened to ELLEGARDEN a.k.a. first punk music love before OOR and guess what. I have a new favorite song:
MONSTER sounds so good I am weeping— Caris (@hellocaris) March 11, 2019
I’m going to put in this tweet without context:
Sinasanay ko lang tignan ka sa ganyang hitsura— Caris (@hellocaris) March 12, 2019
Okay, so here’s the funny part. This week, my childhood caught up to me. In a pretty bad way. If you’d trace my identity back in the interwebs, and if a particular blogging platform from Typepad has been alive (it’s not), you’d see me as a big fangirl of a particular group related to, well, cosmic explosions. And this week, they imploded. It didn’t matter; their magic lost me a few years ago, but it’s surprising to see how this and that and those were interconnected and who knows what other kind of bad has been lurking in this world.
Spit. It. Out.
Excuse me for talking about the bad sometimes, because the world is not all glitters and we can't always wear our rose-colored glasses at sleep when we're having nightmares— Caris (@hellocaris) March 13, 2019
I don’t have to tell you, but right now, as I’m typing this post, I’m singing YUI’s Blue Wind inside my head. Accessing nostalgia, that part of my memory that was stuck in the attic because it was old and cobwebby and nonsense, felt so beautiful.
Like God adjusted the screws of your head while you were asleep— Caris (@hellocaris) March 13, 2019
I’m going to end this ramble with this:
And in the middle of drought there came rain— Caris (@hellocaris) March 15, 2019
I’ve been “gathering” myself lately.
Who I was, to be reflected in this skill I am trying to master. I know, it has taken me long; and it is clear that I am not gifted in this area, but right now, my goal is to do things over and over again until I get to that place where I can spew words that make sense and touches hearts like genius. And genius takes time. Getting to that place isn’t happening soon, but I hope it happens. If not, well, I’m glad I’m doing worthwhile things during this journey, should this all end up in vain.