It’s September and there are things I have to accept.
One, I have grown wider. Most of my old clothes don’t fit. My skin bulked up and grew thicker, taking place of the flimsy bones, the easily-wounded flesh. My arms are heavier, there’s a strange gravity in me, like I can plant myself in a space and take place. I like it. I just don’t like flabby arms.
That part, I need to work on. But that part, I can learn to like, too.
Two, I’m not going to be richer this year. I will stay broke. There will be no extras because all of my money goes to pre-assigned needs, and a good chunk of them, not mine. I am happy to give, and to be given the chance to spoil the people I love and get only what’s enough for me. I don’t want to live in a tiny box of my tiny means, but to be doing this? To share? To think of other people rather than just myself? Priceless.
I just hope I have enough to give during Christmas, because boy, they’re plenty.
Three, things will not happen my way. Ever. I should be ready to loosen my grip on things I hold tight, to breathe deeply and hold on without letting go. That’s it. Nothing in this life is under my control, except for my thoughts. And my thoughts, I want to restrain under good and hopeful ones so they won’t bog me down.
Four, I’d be taking that leap. I had to know whether this thing works or not. This is the month where I send out an experimental five. I know it will take time to get there, but I have new goals now. And those goals aren’t just mine. Those goals matter and I want to succeed in fulfilling them. So, there. God, I need Your favor. I need Your delight. I need Your joy. I need You. Right my heart, and let’s do this.
Five, the children will always be my friends. Today, I’m glad most of them sat down with me during Junior Worship. And there were still trifles, but them listening outshines every bad mood. Only three girls appeared in our CG, I’m scared I’m getting too boring for them, but I’m thankful. I’m thankful to have the chance to speak bits of Bible truths, to press them to find the truth themselves (because my interpretation might be different from theirs), and to just keep asking questions. Mayee had one that stirred the pot, and I’m thankful for this chance.
We talked about death, of people going to heaven or hell, of reincarnation. Of questions like “kapag masasamang damo, hindi madaling mamatay.” That’s pretty hard to decipher; God doesn’t have an algorithm for one’s death. One thing is true: who we are is special, because we carry a soul, for eternity, may it be in heaven or hell.
And here, papa shares a rare story. Tito Bong, died an early death, but there was forewarning. “Noong bata siya, lagi siyang nagmamadali. Yun pala, may pinipilit siyang tapusin kasi maaga siyang kukuhanin ni Lord.”
That, non verbatim.
Which leads me to a question: this, who I am right now, is this a forewarning of my future? A hint of how or when it all ends? Am I going to die of sugar? Of stagnation? Of sitting down in the middle of writing a blog post and never getting to finish it? Am I going to put my name on a book and be remembered? Am I going to create something that will comfort kids and teens and let them know that life is hard and happy?
I don’t really know. But one’s thing’s for sure: I’m pretty certain I’m less selfish now, and for that luxury, I am grateful. x